My Lie
by bmsnakia361991
Summary: I really believe that I have lied to my friend. Light. L. No romance in this one! A little bit AU


_Well, I found this on my computer and I sorta remember writing it, but not entirely. I don't think it's completely finished, but I kinda like the way it ends as it is. Kinda hanging, but it still has a final feel to it. _

_Ah, well, It's up to you all anyway. I hope those of you who read it will enjoy it!_

**My Lie**

_**Summary: I really believe that I have lied to my friend. Light. L. No romance in this one!**_

It happens everyday now. L will accuse me of being Kira and I respond in the same way as I always have.

'I'm not Kira.'

For months this monotonous routine has been on permanent repeat. And not for the first time, I have wondered to myself as to whether or not I am telling the truth. I don't remember being Kira, that much is true. I don't know who he is, or how he kills. All logic points to the fact that I am not Kira.

But if that's true…then why the nightmares?

Ever since I got out of that cell, I have been plagued with nightmare after nightmare. And its always the same one.

Hundreds of dead bodies falling from the sky, surrounding me as I stand on an empty roof. The roof I find myself on is tall. Taller than any I have ever seen, taller than any around me. Except one. The building opposite me, only a short distance away. L stands on this building. A shade of blue covering his body, and with a start, I look down realizing that a shade of red covers mine. I can't help but be reminded of blood.

For the length of the dream we stand facing each other, devising plans for the other's downfall. In the dream, this is normal for us. A game of cat and mouse. I contemplate _killing_ him in my dreams. Various forms of torture that would end only in his death.

When I wake, every time, I find myself staring at L, only for mere seconds, praying that I have not lied to him. Every morning, as I'm sure he's noticed, I make it a point to subtly touch him in some manner. Whether it be a simple brush of the arms, or a painful thrust of a kick directed at my face. I needed the confirmation that he truly is alive.

The warmth of his skin against mine. Even if only for a second.

We have been chained together for months now. The dreams have never stopped. And after such a long time of dreaming of L's death, hoping and planning for it in my sleep, I have come to the conclusion.

I think I have lied to my friend.

It's dark tonight. More so than usual as the moon has been fully obscured by the night sky tonight. We are the last ones left in headquarters save Watari, who is sleeping by now. The building's cameras are always recording out every movement, and so I'm sure that they will happily record my next statement. Regardless, it has to be said. I'm searching for Kira. And if this helps, then it has to be done.

"Ryuzaki?"

L turns to stare at me for a moment, finally taking his eyes off the computer screen. He's beautiful. Such a dark ethereal glow about him. He is good, and yet, his method's can be cruel. A brilliant shade of grey.

He doesn't speak and I don't expect him to. But I know he is listening carefully. I have his full attention at this moment, and I can't help but rejoice in it silently. This was what I had always dreamed of. Being recognized by the greatest detective of all. L. And for a single moment, I pretend that I'm not his suspect. Not his rival, but an equal, actually worthy of his attention.

I pull myself out of my daydream and turn my face away from his soul searching gaze. As much as I wish it, I am not worthy of such a trusting gaze. I open my mouth to finally condemn myself.

"I think I've been lying to you."

I don't look at him. I can't force myself to see what reaction he has to my confession. I know that he understands, there was nothing else that it could have been and he was intelligent enough to realize this.

"I see." He calls out in a near silent tone. I shift my eyes back to him, fully prepared to take my punishment, even if it meant death. Perhaps it would even be a relief if it caused the dreams to end.

I meet his eyes and can see that he is waiting for me to elaborate. Of course. He can't convict me without any proof of my statement, can he?

"I have nightmares. I dream about you're death, L. Anticipating and planning it in excruciating detail." I let out a pained sigh as the confession takes more out of me than I thought it would but still continue, "I can _feel_ him when I sleep. I see the people he has killed. People that _I've _killed but _can't remember_."

I'm silent again as I can see the gears turning in his head. In my sleep I may wish for his death, but I am awake now and I can feel my heart breaking at just the thought of anything happening to this beautiful grey creature.

"Why do you tell me this now, Light-kun?

I hesitate only for a second, but I know that he can see it. I open my mouth and respond, knowing that there was no going back anymore.

"I don't want you to die, Ryuzaki. In my dreams, I may plan your death, but I don't want to see you die."

I watch as he nods his head. I wish that I could see the thoughts rolling around in his mind. Wish I could understand the way it worked and know just what he thinks of all this. But I know that it could never happen. He is far too complex for even me, the number 1 student in all of Japan, to ever fully understand even a bit of the way his mind works.

"Does Light-kun believe he was the original Kira?"

I hold my breath for a moment as he asks the question. _Was_ I the original Kira? I took my time considering his question.

I have studied the victims of the first Kira many times. I had to in order to see the change of pacing that caused the switch from the original Kira to the Yotsuba group. They are eerily similar to how I would have went about killing if it had been me.

Then there's the fact about Misa. It was almost proved that she was the 2nd Kira. I knew that she had found me mysteriously in a manner that made no sense whatsoever. And strangely enough, I don't fully remember all the details of our time together. It's all a bit blurred.

Then there's the dreams. Why would I dream about killing L, wanting his death if I wasn't one of the Kiras? And I know from my personality that I would never have been the second Kira.

The timeline of meeting Misa, the types of criminals being killed, my blurred memories…

Everything did point to it, didn't it?

I suppose I _was _the original Kira.

I could feel the tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. Because if I was the original Kira, and what L said was true about us losing our memories…then I would have given my memories up willingly, with every intention of getting them back.

That meant that I had a plan in action that I don't remember, and most likely wouldn't remember until I became Kira again.

And then L would die.

Because I knew, when I regained my memories of him, I would go back to that mentality, wishing for his death.

"Yes L. I believe I _was _the original Kira."

...

_Yup. Thats it. Let you mind wander off for its own unique ending XD I kinda like it where its at._


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